As parents, we want to teach our children appropriate behaviors to help them navigate life. But how should we correct our children when they hit, yell, or throw a fit when they don’t get their way? These behaviors can have us putting our children in a timeout, taking away privileges, yelling, or expressing disappointment in our children's behavior.
We are trying to teach our kids appropriate behavior and not to hit, yell, lie, throw a fit, etc… but when we punish, do you think they are actually reflecting on their behavior and what they did wrong?
Here’s an example to see how this plays out:
Imagine that your son is playing with Legos. He is building something intricate, and his younger sibling comes up and wants to help. Your son is really concentrating, so he tells his sibling to go away. The upset sibling starts to disturb the Legos, and your son reacts by hitting hard enough to leave a mark.
You’re in the middle of making dinner when your youngest comes crying and shows you the mark from his brother's hit. You call your son to the kitchen, where he fumes and yells that it wasn’t his fault. You respond by sending your son to his room for a timeout until dinner, letting him know that you’re upset and disappointed in him.
Once your son is in his room, do you think he will reflect on his behavior? Do you think he’s thinking about how he shouldn’t have hit his sibling or what he can do differently next time?
Let’s face it, that’s not likely!
Your son is more likely to be mad at you for sending him to his room and angry at his sibling for starting the whole thing and getting him in trouble.
When we punish our kids, they are much more likely to end up mad at us for the punishment than to reflect on what they did wrong and learn from it.
When our kids get mad, or they’re shamed for their behavior, the primitive part of their brain and fight mechanism has been activated — and access to the part of their brain that triggers learning and motivation has been shut off.
This is why punishment doesn’t work, and it’s not the most effective way to teach your kids the lessons you want them to learn.
So what do you do instead? That’s too long to put in a blog article, and why you should join the Confident Parenting Club! I’m teaching strategies to deal with behavior challenges throughout March and I’m hosting a virtual live How To Parent Through Challenging Behaviors at the end of the month. It’s all included in the CPC Membership. Click here to join.
