Do you know any adults who lose it easily or really struggle emotionally when they are faced with challenges? I don’t know about you, but I’ve met my fair share! Knowing what I know now, I do my best to be empathetic because chances are high that they simply weren’t taught how to cope as children.
I often work on this area with parents because it’s common for children to react inappropriately when things don’t go their way. The ability to address and deal with problems and difficulties is a skill that must be learned, and it’s important because if you don’t learn coping skills as a child, you will struggle as an adult.
So, how can you help your child develop coping skills? This is a big topic, but I’ll summarize the first two things to do:
1 - Meet your kids where they are.
As I explained in last week’s article, when our kids struggle and react when things don’t go their way, it can be very frustrating for us as parents, but think about how you parent from frustration. Most parents tell me they’re short-tempered and reactive, and they might snap or yell — which is us not handling it well when things don’t go our way. Kind of ironic, right?
When kids are frustrated, they are in their primal brain, and their fight-or-flight instinct has taken over. You can’t reason or problem-solve with them because they aren’t logical when this part of their brain is running the show.
Kids can’t learn when they are in a state of frustration. The key will be to help them calm down first. Then, you can reason and problem-solve with them or discuss how they might handle it differently in the future.
The best way to help kids start to calm down is to meet your kids where they are and accept their frustration.
Here’s what that might look like:
I know… it’s so hard when you have to stop playing with the big kids to go take a bath. It stinks to be little sometimes.
I get it… it’s hard when you’re friends get the new game as soon as it’s released, and you can’t.
2 - Be The Mirror.
Emotions are contagious, and the person most connected to their emotions will have the most influence. Unfortunately, when a child is not coping well, their feelings can be BIG, and they are deeply connected to them, which can give them the most influence.
This is why parents find their frustration and anxiety levels rising in response to their children’s heightened emotions.
However, as the parent, you want to be the alpha and influence your child’s emotions, not vice versa. You want to be the mirror reflecting back the calmer emotion you want in your child — so you bring them down to your level, not rise to theirs.
Consider that it’s okay for them to feel frustrated. They haven’t learned how to cope with things not going their way, so, of course, they’re reacting adversely.
When you keep in mind that coping is a skill that children have to develop — and you change how you think about and approach the situation — it will help you remain calmer so you can parent through it more effectively.
As you remain calmer during the frustrating situation, you model how to do that for your kids so they learn by watching you.
If you need more tools to help with behavior challenges or more help staying calm through them, this is the perfect time to join the Confident Parenting Club! I’m teaching a Behavior Challenges workshop in April with strategies to help you stay calmer and tools to deal with behavior challenges, as well as tools to help avoid them. It’s all included in the CPC Membership. Click here to join!
