When your child is frustrated or upset, how do you typically respond? If you’re like me, you typically try to help fix whatever is causing the frustration, or you try to help them see it from a different perspective. We just want to help, but unfortunately, that approach can often backfire.
This happened to my daughter and me one semester over her college schedule. She had worked with her advisor to pick out her classes and ended up with morning and evening classes but nothing in between. She was unhappy with the big break in between and loudly venting her frustration.
In an effort to help her find a solution to fix it, I started by suggesting that she reach out to her advisor to see if there were any other options. She informed me that she had already done so. Then I tried to tell her that the schedule would leave a nice window for her to get homework done in between, so it might not be that bad. I was trying to help her gain a different perspective so she would feel better about the schedule. Unfortunately, that frustrated her even more, and she stormed away.
I was trying to be helpful, but I only made things worse. Has that happened to you?
When our kids are frustrated, it can be frustrating and uncomfortable for us, so we try to help fix the situation or help them see things differently.
Do you ever hear yourself saying…
It’s not that bad.
There’s no need to be this upset.
There’s no need to worry.
It’s okay.
It will be fine.
When we say these things, we are trying to comfort and help our kids feel better, but they are more likely to feel like we don’t understand. They want to feel seen and heard — but instead of looking at the situation from their perspective, we are telling them to adopt ours.
This leaves our kids feeling misunderstood and unsupported when all we are trying to do is support them.
The first step to dealing with frustrated or upset kids is to just meet them where they are.
Consider the situation from their perspective and acknowledge how it’s frustrating or upsetting for them. When you meet your child where they are, they feel like you’re on their team instead of working against them. This alone helps them start to calm down.
For me, that would have looked something like this:
I’m sorry, honey. That schedule really stinks.
Know up front that if you have been at odds with your child for a while, they may have a hard time believing that you’re on their team. Once you acknowledge their frustration, just be patient and sit quietly while you give them time to process what you said. When you stop talking and wait for them to speak, what they say can help guide the conversation from there.
If this is a new communication style for you, be aware that it will likely go against all of your natural instincts. It’s a simple concept, but it will take awareness and diligence to implement, and you still won’t remember it every time. I still don’t at times, and I live this work!
I want to point out one important thing: meeting your child where they are and joining their team does NOT mean accepting bad behavior. You can acknowledge and validate their feelings so they feel you’re on their team without accepting the behavior.
If you don’t know how to do this, I highly recommend joining the Confident Parenting Club this month! I’m teaching strategies to deal with behavior challenges (including frustrated kids) throughout March, and I’m hosting a live virtual How To Parent Through Challenging Behaviors at the end of the month. It’s all included in the CPC Membership. Click here to join!
As for my own conversation with my daughter, after calming down, she informed me that all she wanted from me was an acknowledgement that it wasn’t the best of schedules. I apologized, gave her a hug, and told her I would work on listening better. She laughingly pointed out that I need to follow my own coaching advice! Thankfully, I’m much better than I used to be, but I’m still far from perfect.
