Are disagreements over parenting affecting your relationship? We all have thoughts about how our partner parents and disciplines, and it’s common to disagree. We can think that our partner just needs to parent differently, but that thought won’t help you get on the same page, and it puts everything out of your control because you will never be able to control your partner.
If you can relate, I invite you to consider that when you’re on the outside watching your partner navigate a challenging situation with your child, it’s easier for you to see things more clearly and have a better read on the situation.
On the other hand, when you’re trying to navigate the challenging situation yourself, you’re likely in your own head trying to figure out what to say and do best. If things aren’t going well and your frustration is growing, you are unlikely to remember and implement the best parenting tools to manage the situation.
Whoever is on the outside can see that your child is shutting down or escalating and knows what their partner is doing isn’t helping, while their partner is so frustrated that all of their great parenting strategies have gone right out the window.
When this happens, we all typically judge our partners and want to tell them what they could do differently. We (or they) may have the best intentions, but judgment almost always leads to contention in our relationships with our parenting partner, spouse, or co-parent, and it keeps us from getting on the same parenting page.
I am bringing the judgment to your attention because although it’s completely normal to judge, it’s not at all helpful. From a brain science perspective, judgment and shame activate the amygdala. And when the amygdala gets activated, our survival brain takes over. Our ability to think and communicate clearly is gone and our fight-or-flight instinct has kicked in.
This happens to our kids, and it happens to us as adults.
This means that whenever you feel judged, a wall goes up, communication and teamwork stop, and you go on the defense. The same thing happens to your partner.
If judgment is creating contention in your relationship and keeping you and your partner, spouse, or co-parent from getting on the same parenting page, I highly recommend you check out my newest workshop, How To Get On The Same Parenting Page. I share an easy step-by-step process to become an effective parenting team and conversation guides so you know exactly what to say when your partner escalates to help calm the situation. The live online workshop is coming up inside the Confident Parenting Club on March 4th! Click here to check it out.
