What would you tell me if I asked you what your parenting style was?
Do you tend to be more strict or rigid and good at following through on consequences, even if your child gets upset? This type of “because I said so” parenting is considered authoritarian and likely how your parents were raised.
Or are you on the opposite end of the spectrum and more in tune with how your child is feeling? If you are more likely to go out of your way to avoid your child getting upset or sad, and as a result, you are lower on structure and limits, you have a more permissive parenting style.
When I work with parents, I find that they typically fluctuate between these two parenting styles. Unfortunately, studies have shown that neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting styles are most effective.
The most effective parenting style is called authoritative. Authoritative parenting involves consistently setting limits and following through while staying in tune with how your child is feeling at the same time.
Here’s an example of what that looks like:
Your older daughter has friends over one evening, and she is kind enough to let her little sister hang out with them for a little while, knowing that it won’t be too long because little sister’s bedtime is rapidly approaching.
You let little sister know that she has 10 minutes to finish up the game before bedtime.
When the time is up, and you go to get little sister to put her to bed, she has a meltdown.
This situation typically goes in one of two ways: Bedtime becomes a battle (authoritarian), or you give in and let little sister have more time (permissive).
But when you are parenting authoritatively, you acknowledge how disappointed she is while you stick with putting her to bed. You might say something like this:
You are so disappointed that your time playing with the big girls is over. I understand… you were having so much fun. I know, sweetheart, it’s so hard to be the little sister sometimes.
Putting words to how she’s feeling and what she’s experiencing doesn’t change the fact that it’s bedtime, and you’re putting her to bed. But it does mean that she feels understood, and you’re there to help her through the difficult feelings.
Know up front that your kids aren’t always going to like the rules, and that’s okay!
You’re allowed to set limits because that’s actually your job as a parent.
Your kids need to be allowed to have their own feelings about those limits.
The key for you will be holding the limit while acknowledging that they don’t like it.
This is how you provide the structure and limits that all kids need without feeling like a dictator and while maintaining a strong emotional connection with them.
If you have found this article helpful, I invite you to check out my new free BIG Feelings course. I explain where big feelings and behaviors come from and the top two mistakes parents make when dealing with them. Click here for instant access and learn the first thing I teach my parent clients.
