It’s the time of the year when there are many family gatherings and opportunities for your relatives to observe you parenting your children. As parents, we always want to be proud of our kids, so we often expect our children to behave a certain way at family gatherings.
Unfortunately, family gatherings also typically mean that our kids get overstimulated and jacked up on sugar, so they don’t behave or interact as we had hoped. And then we get disapproving looks from our parents or in-laws, suggestions or tips on parenting from siblings with “perfect” kids, or we imagine all of the judgemental thoughts we think everyone else is having about us and our parenting — and they’re never good.
When we’re being judged or think other people are judging us on our parenting skills, we tend to move to “command and demand” parenting — which tends to escalate our kids and make things worse instead of calming things down.
Here is a breakdown of what happens:
We think some version of “they don’t think I’m parenting well” or “they don’t think my kids behave.”
We get frustrated.
When we’re frustrated, we get short-tempered and are more likely to snap at our kids.
When we’re short-tempered and snap, our kids get upset, and things escalate.
It becomes an unending cycle that just continues — unless you intentionally plan for it ahead of time.
Many parents might think that they need to get their relatives to change and stop being so judgmental, or they need to get their kids to behave differently — but we can never control what other people (including our kids) think, say, or do. The only person that you can control is YOU.
So, how do you handle holiday get-togethers with overstimulated kids and judgy relatives?
You expect it to happen and decide in advance how you will think about it in a way that will allow you to stay calm and parent effectively.
First, expect your kids to have a tough time with all the extra stimulation, late bedtimes, and extra sugar. If you think they will behave like perfect angels, you will get frustrated and angry when they don’t. If you expect that they will have a tough time, you stay calmer when it happens, and you handle the situation much more effectively.
The same goes for judgy relatives. If you commonly get looks and comments at family gatherings and think that they just don't understand and shouldn't be so critical, you will end up defensive and angry — which makes it really difficult to parent effectively and gives your relatives even more to disapprove of. When you expect it to happen and plan how you will respond, you can stay more neutral and in control.
Second, consider letting everyone else have their opinions, and don’t make it mean anything about you as a parent. Your parents and in-laws were raised at a completely different time with a completely different parenting style. It’s all they knew, and they did their best with what they knew at the time.
That said, times have changed, and studies have proven that style of authoritarian parenting is not as effective. We know more now, so we adjust and change based on what’s proven to work best.
At some point, you might have a conversation with them to share the new information you’ve learned, but you don’t have to. You can let them have their thoughts and opinions and expect them to share them as long as you stop making it mean you’re not a good parent.
If this is a struggle for you, please join me in the Confident Parenting Club this December. I’m teaching in-depth strategies and exact scripts to survive and thrive this holiday season, especially when dealing with kids (and relatives!) who push your buttons. Use code HOLIDAY to get 25% off and learn the tools that will give you more peace in your home and life!
