How do you typically respond when life gets rough for your child? Do you think things should be easy and work out for your child, and get worked up and upset when they don’t? How do you respond when things aren’t going smoothly for your child, and they struggle or fail?
We teach our kids what to do when things don’t go as they had hoped or expected by how we respond to the challenges that can and do come up in life.
In a recent article, I shared a difficult situation my daughter has been going through with friends. It was heartbreaking to see her sad and upset. I didn’t want to downplay her experience or her feelings, but I also didn’t want her to become a victim of the circumstance or let her friends have the power to ruin the rest of the semester.
So, first, I acknowledged and empathized with her feelings. I let her know that I understood how hurt she was, that it was okay to be sad and angry, and that I supported and believed in her. Then I proceeded to be there for her, listen and support her, and privately deal with my own feelings of sadness and anger.
It was hard. Everything in me wanted to start problem-solving and work to help her feel better.
As parents, it’s difficult to see our kids hurting. Our first instinct is to fix things for them, but that doesn’t serve them in the long run. Kids have to struggle and fail to become resilient. They have to face challenges to learn how to solve problems and navigate conflict.
This isn’t the first time my daughter has struggled with friends. She went through a tough period in elementary school and then again in middle school. It was a really hard time for both of us, and I would have done anything to “fix” it if I could have. But as the years went on, I eventually became so grateful for those struggles and the challenges my daughter faced because of how she grew and the person she became because of them.
Knowing this, I gave my daughter time to process her feelings about what had happened with her friends. I watched as she worked to problem-solve and advocate for herself, and I let her know how proud I was of her and how she was handling the situation.
Once again, I was very grateful for the struggles and challenges she faced in her formative years. Not only did she gain great communication, problem-solving, and conflict-resolution skills, but she also gained an inner strength that is serving her very well as a young adult.
Yes, it’s hard and can be heartbreaking to watch our kids suffer and struggle when they are faced with difficulties in life. But our kids look to us to determine how they should feel about a situation. When we get upset and rail against the unfairness of life or others, our kids take on that perspective. When we help our kids dig deep and believe they are strong enough to get through the challenge and come out better for it, they start to see themselves that way, too.
All kids experience challenges as they grow, and we can think that life is unfair and see our kids as victims of life or other people—or we can look at the challenges as growth opportunities that help shape our kids and develop the skills to grow into an even bigger life.
Do you struggle to support your child through challenges? It’s hard to see the bigger picture when you’re right in the midst of the struggles. Imagine having someone to not only support you but also help guide you and give you the tools you need to navigate the challenges. I would be honored to be that person for you. Click here to line up a free call and find out how I can help.
