How do you typically respond when your child is dysregulated, melting down, and out of control? This is a challenge for many parents I coach, and I find that parents typically respond in one of two ways. Some parents get frustrated themselves and respond with threats or by yelling. Other parents respond by trying to negotiate, bribe, or convince their child to calm down. I find that very few parents know how to set and hold boundaries when their children are out of control, and unfortunately, this is when kids need boundaries the MOST.
Let’s start by understanding what happens in our kids' brains and bodies when kids lose control.
Strong-willed and highly sensitive children tend to experience things more intensely, both from an emotional and sensory perspective. This triggers their nervous system and stress response, and they move into survival mode when that happens. When our kids are in survival mode, their primal brain takes over and is driven to fight, run away, or shut down. When kids lose control, their primal brain has taken over.
With the tendency to experience things more intensely and the resulting stress response in their brains and bodies, our kids feel overwhelmed and out of control, which leads to more intense and frequent meltdowns.
One thing that I work to help parents understand is that kids don’t like feeling and acting out of control. As a result, they develop fixed ideas and expectations of exactly how things should be to help make their lives more predictable and easier for them to manage.
Know that when your child insists that things have to be done exactly as they want them and challenges you when it comes time to get ready in the morning, at mealtimes, or when going to bed, this is an attempt for them to feel more in control over their world. But constantly giving into their demands isn’t always feasible, and in the long run, it isn’t good for them.
In an effort to get their kids to be more flexible and cooperate, parents typically resort to bribes, threats, or negotiations to convince their kids to do what they want or need them to do. Unfortunately, when we negotiate with our kids, we put them in charge.
The more we try to control our kids, the less control we have as parents.
But what do you do when your child is not cooperating, insisting that things be done exactly as they want, and you see a meltdown looming? This is where boundaries can help.
When we set limits and follow through on them, we make things more predictable for our kids, which helps calm their nervous systems. Consider that boundaries are like “guardrails” that keep your child from crashing when they lose control, instead helping to keep them on the path of safe and acceptable behavior.
I invite you to consider that boundaries are something that we do FOR our kids, especially when they’re dysregulated and out of control. While setting and holding boundaries can be difficult, they are an essential tool in your parenting toolbox that can help equip your child to navigate through their day more successfully.
The key is to consider boundaries as loving limits that help your child and not use them from anger or frustration as a way to discipline.
If you struggle to set and hold boundaries or don’t know what to do when your child loses control, I highly recommend joining the Confident Parenting Club this month. I’ll be teaching about boundaries and how to take back control while staying emotionally connected to your kids without feeling like you’re being mean. Click here to check out the club or click here to hop on a free call with me if you have any questions.
